Speaking Love Languages Appropriately
Love languages can be spoken in many dialects. Some are very defined and others are softer and require much insight, but unless you learn how to speak the lingo, it may be quite challenging to love others and self appropriately and deliciously!
"Psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists, anthropologists and educators have suggested in countless studies and numerous research papers that love is a "learned response, a learned emotion". Most of us, however, continue to behave as though love is not learned but lies dormant in each human being and simply awaits some mystical age of awareness to emerge in full bloom. Many wait for this age forever. We seem to refuse to face the obvious fact that most of us spend our lives trying to find love, trying to live in it and dying without ever truly discovering it."
Everyone has a God-given desire for complete and unconditional love, and lonely is the one who searches for that kind of love in marriage alone. The revolutionary "love languages" concept devised from extensive research of Dr. Gary Chapman’s marriage counseling has revealed universal applications to all sorts of relationships.
Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive.
Everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages:
~ Words of Affirmation,
~ Quality Time,
~ Receiving Gifts,
~ Acts of Service, and
~ Physical Touch.
The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good.
It has also been my experience that knowing the 5 Love Languages as they apply to all people in our lives, from close friends, brothers,sisters to house help, makes a huge difference to how we relate ... suddenly we are able to give what other people need in the shape and form they need it. And the most miraculous thing happens ... as the the channel of love opens, the flow of love towards ourselves also increases!
So here they are in detail:
FREE DOWNLOAD: Love Lanugages Quiz
Language 1: Words of Affirmation
One of the deepest needs in many people is the needto feel appreciated. Words of affirmations will meet this need for many people.
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, 'I love you', are important. Hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Verbal appreciation speaks strongly to people whose primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation.
Compliments verbally expressed, simple words of appreciation, encouraging words, kindwords and humble words are all ways to show love using verbalcommunication.
Simple statements, such as:
"You look great in that suit",
"You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies",
"You pay such good attention to detail!",
"You have such a beautiful smile",
are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.
Words of Affirmation can deeply change struggling or failing relationships of all kinds.
A lot of people have much unrealized potential and in many cases what holds them back is the lack of encouragement.
Offering encouragement can be used to:
• reinforce a challenging decision;
• acknowledge latent talents or skills;
• lift out positive aspects of a newly tried strategy;
• focus on progress made on a current project;
• acknowledge a person’s unique perspective on an importanttopic.
If a colleague listens for Words of Affirmation, offering encouragement will be meaningful in overcoming insecurities and assisting in developing self-confidence.
Language 2 : Quality Time:
When you speak the language of Quality Time it is more than simply sitting in the same space. It’s about focusing all your energy on the recipient.
In the lingo of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you" like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there, with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby,makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
A colleague taking notes (watching sports) while talking to his associate is NOT quality time.
Quality time means togetherness,not sitting in front of the T.V.together but sitting together, giving each other your total undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, not at each other.
Unless all of your attention is focused on your recipient, even a designated meeting for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.
Quality conversation is very important in any healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good friend, partner or colleague will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure they are truly listening. Often others don’t expect youto solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.
An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation.
In order for you to reallycommunicate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with another.
Couples or friends can spend small amounts of time together and it can be quality time.
Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many people feel most valued when theyspend physical time together, doing activities that they enjoy doing.
Whatever the activity we choose,we need to give each other our full-undivided attention. The activityis a vehicle that creates the sense of cohesion and closeness.
Spending time together will bring a two people closer, and, in the years to come, will create memories of fulfilment. Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation orworking together on a grant, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time will ensure a happy association.
Language 3 : Receiving Gifts
The giving of a gift is an outward sign that the person was thinking ofyou in some way. It is something that you can hold and touch thatshow someone cared enough to think of you.
Gifts are a visible sign that someone cares, that someone lovesyou,be it mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, friend, co-worker orlover.
People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love.
Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.
If you want to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money, though! Ifyou are naturally a spender, you’ll have no trouble buying gifts. However, a person who is used toinvesting and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spendingmoney as an expression of caring. These people must understand that you are investing themoney not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship, which is what you really want. So you are putting your money where your mouth is, so as to speak!
To give a gift the person giving the gift has to think about the person that they are giving thegift to and the gift is a symbol of that thought
It doesn't matter the cost, or the size of the gift, it is the fact that they did think of you. It can be as simple a gift as an autumn leaf picked up on your morning run, or an unusual type of herbal tea. Making a small card of appreciation can fill just the right gap
The idea that they took time to secure the gift for you is what matters. You know that they care.
But sometimes during hard times the best gift of all is the gift of your time. Making a special appointment and taking the time out your very busy schedule, can be a gift that speaks the loudest of all the love languages!
Language 4: Acts of Service
Demonstrating acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. They may require aperson to humble him/herself into doing some tasks not usually expected of them.However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to another and ensure the enduring their most need oaf all love languages, is "heard" and that brings about a happy relationship.
Sometimes simple chores around the office can be an undeniable expression of caring and support. Even simple things like filing, making coffee for a team mate and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of community and respect.
It is important tounderstand what acts of service the other most appreciates. Even though colleagues are helpingeach other around the office, employees will still misunderstand because they’re unknowinglycommunicating with each other in two different dialects.
For example, an manager may spendthe day searching for data and would've appreciated some help to put things together, but the secretary feels that email and budgeting are a superior necessity, the manager may feel unloved, despite the fact that the secretary did other chores throughout the day. It is important to work to understand what acts of service will show your respect and support.
Acts such as cooking meals, setting the table, washing floors, clothes,dishes, mowing the lawn, fixing the plumbing,etc. are all acts ofservice. The person performing these acts of service has to think aboutthem, plan the time to do them, and put the effort into doing them.They do this to show that they care about you.
We are also talking about acts of service that someone does for you without youasking them to.
The friend who picks up your mail from the postbox, the wife who keeps the house clean all the time andhas dinner ready for her partner after a long day at work, the husbandthat mows the lawn every weekend to keep the yard looking nice forhis family to be proud of or the son who takes his aged father for a walk.
It’s also very important to do these acts of service out of consideration, not obligation. To perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart is what speaks the love language.
Someone who does chores and helps out of guilt or fear willinevitably not be speaking a language of regard, but a language of resentment.
When you give service as part of love languages being transmitted in your life, make sure it is from the heart, then love will be transmitted in the giving.
Language 5: Physical Touch
We have always known that we have 5 senses, sight, hearing, taste,smell and touch. Of these 5 senses touch is very different from the rest.
Sight is through our eyes, hearing is through our ears, taste isthrough our tongue, but touch is not limited to our fingers. We havetiny tactile receptors all over our bodies. When these receptors aretouched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain and the braininterprets these impulses. It could be pain or pleasure, hot or cold, hardor soft, loving or not.
Many people feel the most esteemed when they receive physical contact from another. For aperson who speaks this love language, physical touch can make or break a relationship.
A pat onthe back makes many colleagues feel secure and admired. However, it’s only one dialect ofphysical touch. In any relationship, it is important to discover how the other responds not onlyphysically but also psychologically to touch.
In professional settings, we have a separate set ofrules for physical touch limiting our behavior to socially acceptable forms appropriate to our work setting, i.e. the hand shake, or back or arm pat.
Learn how others speak the physical touch language: some touches are irritating anduncomfortable. Be very careful of having sexual inuendos in your touching. These can be picked up quite easily and then touching has become tainted unless it is between partners.
Take the time to learn the touches the other receives most easily. They can be big acts, suchas back massages, a quick hug, reaching out for a hand squeeze or little acts such as a touch of a hand on the shoulder.
Learn how anotherresponds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.
All enduring relationships will experience crisis and stress. Physical touch can be very important during such times. In astressful situation, a hand shake or ‘high five’ can communicate an immense amount of community.
A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you offer a ‘highfive’ or a pat on the arm and be silent than offer any advice.
This love language is different foreveryone. The type of touch makes you feel secure isn’t necessarily what will make another happy.It’s important to learn each other’s dialects to enhance the effectiveness of your communication.
In the love languages, touch can make or break a relationship, show love or hate and forthose who's love language is touch,it can speak 10 times louder thanany words you may use.
FREE DOWNLOAD: Love Languages - Couples
Personal Growth Tools:
In the book "Communication Magic" you'll discover :
• How to communicate with others so you get the love you want in your relationships
• How to say what you're truly feeling openly and honestly without fear
• How to get someone to open up to you even when there's distance between you
• The number one thing that creates communication disasters and how to avoid doing it
• How to get other people to listen to you
• How to let go of blame and judgments that ruin relationships
• The secrets to listening so that you can understand other people
• The communication style that almost always creates distance and disconnection between two people and how to keep from making this mistake
• How to communicate to connect more deeply with the people in you life
• What's at the bottom of almost any communication challenge
• And much more....
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